Why I Drink Excessive Amounts of Diet Coke

Before my feet hit the floor, the can is to my lips. Ah, the sweet, burn of an ice cold Diet Coke first thing in the morning. I’ve read reports. I’m aware of the dangers, but allow me this one vice. I don’t smoke or spit in the sink. I’m an upstanding citizen with a longstanding habit.

There are so many reasons I consume Diet Coke, but here are the top ten.

10. I fell for the man in the diet coke commercial. Remember the 1990 commercial featuring the shirtless man with six-pack abs. All of the women in the office next door huddled at the window to watch him drink Diet Coke during his break. He was hunky. I’m a soft sell, so there you go. I keep dreaming he will come into my life. We’ll sit down to a romantic candle lit dinner sipping Diet Coke.

9. I live in the Coke capital of the world. That’s right, Atlanta, Georgia, home of the Coca-Cola headquarters. My interest in the local economy compels me to patronize businesses that have a vested interest in my community. I feel it is my civic duty to help ensure these workers keep their jobs.

8. I don’t drink alcohol. I don’t. However, there are assertions that the aspartame in Diet Coke breaks down into formaldehyde and wood alcohol once in your body. No wonder I’m always loose and in a good mood. I had never heard of wood alcohol until everyone started telling me how bad Diet Coke was for me. I have yet to sit down at a bar and say, “Hey, bartender, how about another round of that there wood alcohol? Let’s go with oak this time, that redwood didn’t set well with me.”

7. Preservation. Regarding the formaldehyde, I figure I’m doing my family a favor. I should have enough formaldehyde in me by now to preserve me for a hundred years or more. The family doesn’t have to worry about decomposition. When I pass, someone can just prop me in the recliner. The kids will never even notice I’m gone. No funeral bills and no mortician to pay.

6. Blood Sugar. I’m not diabetic, but I occasionally have a bought with hypoglycemia. I try to limited my sugar intake to keep my blood sugar stabilized. Diet Coke serves me better than regular sodas, juice, or other sweetened drinks. Oh, I know what you are thinking. You health nut. Drink water. I’ll tell you what, you drink water. I’ll enjoy my Diet Coke. At least I’m paying for something with flavor. Why buy bottled water when I can get it for free out of my kitchen sink.

5. I enjoy recycling. I believe in good stewardship of our environment. I am a firm believer in recycling. The problems is, if I don’t drink Diet Coke, I have very little to recycle. As it is, I have a mountain of aluminum each week. I can even cash the crushed cans in for cash at the local recycling company. It gives me more money to buy more Diet Cokes.

4. It keeps me awake. Caffeine, caffeine, caffeine. How else am I supposed to stay awake when the CEO drones on and on in our monthly business meeting? I went to the movies one time and didn’t have the cash to get my drink. I slept through the whole thing. Well, i not only slept, I snored, too. I just about got kicked out of the theater because the man in front of me claimed he couldn’t hear over my snoring. I offered that if he would get me a Diet Coke I’d stay awake.

3. Peer pressure. Diet Coke has zero calories. If I want to keep my svelte figure, I can’t afford to guzzle calories. Besides, all of my friends drink Diet Coke. In the summertime we all sit poolside in our bikinis sipping our Diet Cokes. Except for me, of course, I’m chugging them down one after the other. I can’t help myself.

2. It generates the best burp. Guzzle a Diet Coke quickly. If you are able get it down in less than thirty seconds, and it has to be at least 12 oz. About twenty seconds is enough for me to pop the top and slurp it down, clear to the bottom. I only have to wait five seconds, and BAM! The greatest belches you have ever heard rumble forth with no effort. Kids are amazed by the trick, but must be warned not to try it at home. Adult reaction ranges from repulsion to chuckles, to hysteria. Time and place have a lot to do with the reaction you get. If you happen to be on stage and have access to a microphone, you can take out the entire audience. An earth shattering burp is the last thing they expect from the stage.

1. Expectations. I have been a diet coke addict for so many years, if anyone were to see me without one, I’m afraid they would suffer shock. It is a widely known and general expectation that I will have a Diet Coke with me at all times. I have been bribed with them, soothed with them, and received Diet Cokes as gifts. I cannot give them up now. This would impact the lives of those around me like grieving. They would have to come to terms with the loss of expectation, the expectation of seeing me with my beverage of choice.

I enjoy my Diet Coke. You enjoy your drink and we’ll all get along just fine.